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Saturday, July 2, 2011

Exciting Things Found In My Bottom Kitchen Drawer

I, like many of you, have drawers in my kitchen. They are very handy for holding things and even more handy at hiding things. For example, my drawer at the bottom of a row (column?) of three other drawers. This is where I keep-- but mostly lose-- kid stuff like crayons, coloring books, times table flash cards and math homework packets (perhaps this is why my kids are no math geniuses).

And I call it (cue ominous dum da dum music) The Drawer.

Every few years, after much yanking and pulling, I will pry that drawer open and think, what the hey, I think I'll clean this puppy out. But maybe not so chipper.

Mostly these moments come when I have something new to lose in the abyss of The Drawer or my children are MIA and won't see me throw things away they have forgotten but from which they will not willingly part. This week, however, the stars aligned so both of these events were in concurrence: no children and new stuff.

I know you're dying to know what I bought for The Drawer, so I will tell you.

More stuff. The educational kind. Because I read that book about the Tiger Mom (or at least the articles about the book) and decided to get in on that whole make-your-kids-be-successful-so-it-looks-like-you're-a-pro-mom thing.

Thus my little soon-to-be-smarty-pants tiger cubs and I went to the learning store where they sell lots of teachery things and when you walk in you think  I could totally home-school but then you remember that would entail your kids being at home with you trying to school them instead of enjoying a kidless breakfast with your friends. And so you come to your senses and decide to just buy them stuff that is hard enough to make them super smart but easy enough to do without parental help.

A hundred dollars later you walk out of the store with a bag that is almost as light as your now empty wallet and think, These kids dang well better turn out smarter than their mother. But maybe with more curse words thrown in, if you're me anyway, because they don't count if they're in your head.

Of course I needed somewhere to store all of our fantastic new braniac products in those rare moments when my little Einsteins won't be using them this summer and the most logical place for that is The Drawer.

And so I cleaned it. And here are the interesting things I found:

* Slightly used, but still in good condition, with hardly any marks on the pages, workbooks from the
Tiger Moms R Us store, purchased in summers past.

*  Many, many, and I do mean many, gallon size plastic baggies. I was wondering where those had got off to.

*  Enough broken crayons, dried-out markers, nubby colored pencils, and glueless glue sticks to fill each of those thousand baggies. Twice.

*  Gift certificates for free food items at various local restaurants we don't frequent due to love for our clog-free arteries.  Given to my children by said producers of processed "food" as rewards for reading books. So they can be both fat and nerdy. (In case you're wondering, I did not throw them away because I'll use them in a pinch when I don't feel like cooking. I call those days summer).

* The notepad I bought for a dollar at Michaels months ago because I liked the witty quip on it and I needed somewhere cute to write my grocery and to do lists. The forgotten quip was not nearly as witty as I remembered, but still wittier than the "I Sell Houses" quip on the notepad I have been using. Though that one was $1 cheaper.

There were lots of other fun things in there too, but I'm sure your drawer has the same stuff.  If not, I will dig my drawer crap out of the garbage to send to you. Shipping and handling not included.

In the meantime, I am going to bask in the joy of The Drawer's cleanliness.

At least until tomorrow when my kids get home.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Sound of Silence


Do you hear it?

That, my friends, is the sound of silence (cue Simon and Garfunkle background music).

"But, what have you done with the children?" you ask.

Well, I left them in Las Vegas. And--to answer your next question about what kind of mother leaves her children in the City of Sin-- the kind who has saintly in-laws willing to keep them for a week.

So what am I going to do with my kid-free week?  Well, since you asked (you're just chock full of questions today) here is my list:

* Clean and organize all of my closets
* Make my garden grow -- the food plants in it, not the weed ones (that part I've mastered)
* Pay the bills and make a budget that will magically make it easier to afford to pay the bills
* Throw away all the crap my kids have collected-- and forgotten-- but can't possibly live without if they see it in the trash
* Turn our garbage dump back into a garage
* Not eat the dozen Bundtlets from Nothing Bundt Cakes that are in my fridge
* Fill the water barrels. Because it's been two years and they are not going to fill themselves
* Learn how to use my food storage
* Get some food storage
* Write a book

Here is what I have actually accomplished:

* Eaten only two bundtlets
* Stared at a blank computer screen
* Surfed (the internet)
* Got a pedicure
* Had lunch with friends

Mostly though, I have sat in my too quiet house trying to enjoy the silence, but really just missing the noise. 

... Maybe not the fighting noise though.

...Yeah, definitely not missing that.