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Friday, February 17, 2012

Hi. My Name Is Brittany and I'm a Hypocrite.

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm a hypocrite.

I yell at my kids to stop yelling; I've tripped over my own shoes while telling them to put theirs away. I don't allow them to say the word "butt", even though I do my fair share of actual cursing (and by my fair share, I'm talking in Mormon terms. Meaning I do it once or twice a day and never the f-bomb. I'm no Jay-Z or Kanye West, yo).

I retrieve recyclables out of the garbage in order to properly dispose of them, but I drive a gas guzzling SUV. I'm all for government funded social programs, until I see how much of my husband's paycheck my he doesn't bring home. I'll probably vote for Obama, but I wish the government would stay the hell* out of my business.

If my hypocrisy ended there I could probably live relatively guilt free. But when it comes to food, I've taken things to a whole new level. So, as a kind of self imposed penance, I'm going to confess my top five here.  I don't know if it will help my conscience or not, but I'm hoping some of you will 'fess up to being hypocrites too.

Drum roll please...

5. I will not eat mint. Especially in gum form. The smell of it makes me gag, literally.
But you cover mint in chocolate and that's a different story. I will eat that stuff up. (But not chocolate covered mint gum. Gross).

4. I find American cheese (aka plastic cheese) disgusting. Something that processed does not qualify as a food.
But put a jar of nacho cheese (Tostitos Queso con Salsa in particular) in front of me and I will down that puppy any time of the day or night, hot or cold. Yum.

3. Ham is disgusting. I don't buy it , I don't cook it, I don't touch it.
But bacon? Bring it on. Pork chops, pork roast, or pork loin? You betcha'. Pigs' feet or pork belly? Probably not, but I'll eat a hot dog so that pretty much covers every part of the pig, including hooves and stomachs.

2. My kitchen closes at 4 p.m. No one is allowed to eat anything out of it from that time until 6:30 p.m. (or whenever I happen to have dinner ready by). That's the rule. Period.
For everyone but me. If I'm hungry, you better believe I'm going to get myself a snack.

1.  My kids get soda on birthdays and special occasions. That's it. And never caffeinated soda. When we go out to eat, they can have water or milk. Juice, if they're lucky.
But my garage fridge is stocked with Diet Coke. I have cases of it in my food storage. It's rotting my insides and I know it. I don't care. I love me some DC over crushed ice with just a splash of fresh lime.

So come on...

I know I'm not the only one. Tell me you're a hypocrite too.


* Curse #1 of the day, one more to go. Although, I'm allowing myself a few extras today since we're headed to Disneyland.


Kristi said...

Well, it's pretty bad, but when I was in college, my friends knew that I wasn't supposed to break the sabbath. So I'd let my room mate buy me some Wendy's and then I'd pay her back on Monday. :o/
I know! I'm horrible! And it wasn't all the time, and it was only when she was really craving it. At least I never brought it up, but I also didn't say no.
I'd probably do it again. :o/

Melanie Jacobson said...

I'm too lazy to be a hypocrite. I don't feel like fighting with them to stay out of the kitchen or not having soda. Got some improving to do, I guess.

But you know I get the ham/bacon thing.

Enjoy Birth said...

My kids are kind enough to point out the many ways I am a hypocrite. It warms my heart when they do that.

Su said...

Yep, I'm totally a hypocrite. Surely we have jackets? Or badges?

Extra swear words are totally allowed when you're going to Disney.

Maggie said...

I agree on pretty much every food hypocrisy you do. I am always sneaking snacks when our kitchen is "closed."