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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Beatings Will Continue Until Reverence Improves

So I was going to blog more than once last week. But then the first counselor to the bishop (in Mormonese this translates to the main pastor's right hand man) called me on Wednesday night and begged me to "save his bacon" by speaking in church on Sunday. And, even though that only gave me three days-- minus the two spent procrastinating thinking about the topic (which, btw, was speaker's choice)-- I said yes. Mostly because Br. Counselor Man distracted me with the word bacon.

Mmmm, bacon.

Also, did I mention, I just spoke three months ago? So really, I should have been exempt from the task for at least another year.

Luckily, I already had a topic I'd been itching to call people to repentance for, so it wasn't too hard to throw something together last minute.

The topic you ask: Reverence.

And our ward's lack of it.

Which I hadn't really noticed until I went to some other wards and realized that the people at the podium were saying words I could hear, not just moving their mouths.

And my talk went pretty well, considering I didn't get my last run-through in due to the super glue fiasco wherein my fingers were temporarily stuck to the shoe that had to be fixed in order for me to deliver my sermon.

FYI:  Cute shoes are essential when you are about to reign down fire and brimstone.

It probably helped that my talk sounded a lot less judgmental than this post. And maybe it helped that I shared war stories from my own hard fought battles involving reverence and offspring. Like the battle that changed from something akin to that funny quip seen on T-shirts worn by the fashion-challenged that says "the beatings will continue until morale improves" to something closer to "be thou an example."

After I finished speaking there were some standing ovations, requests for autographs, and suggestions that I speak every three months at least (no, thank you). Okay, so maybe it was just the last one, but I did feel a little like the ward rock star. And the egomaniac in me suspects that next week our sacrament meeting will look more like this:

and even the babies will have their arms folded:

But the realist in me knows it will probably look like this:

Or worse.

But I could't find a picture depicting that - believe me, I tried- so you'll just have to imagine about 4,000 people--3,900 of whom are screaming/crying/spitting/fighting children -- crammed into one chapel + overflow + cultural hall (which is a silly name for a basketball court) + hallway and you'll have a pretty good idea of what my ward looks like on a typical Sunday.*

But I will be sitting like this:

Because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a hypocrite.

* This is not my baby. I don't currently have one of those, niether have I ever had, nor do I intend to have, a baby of the male persuasion. His arms aren't even that folded. Just used the pic because, who doesn't like a cute baby?

** For my friends who have never been to an LDS sacrament meeting, we are not a mega church so our buildings do not hold 4,000 people at one time. Thus, I may be exaggerating the size of my congregation.
But not by much.


Melinda said...

Our Ward is seriously irreverent as well, we've had talk after lesson after talk about it. Still not changing. I always get a little irked when there's people TALKING LOUDLY while someone's talking about reverence, I mean, really?! At least get through the lesson with your yapper shut. Sheesh. I, of course, am always reverent.

Enjoy Birth said...

So sorry I missed your talk. I really should come to your ward. Maybe it will get big enough to finally split and put us back in yours! You should have talked about THAT! Maybe in 3 months.

Jill Campbell said...

Funny post!

You should try the singles ward. Went there on Sunday (to listen to my daughter speak) and was afraid to breath.

Geralene said...

Rock star ... That was the best talk on reverence I've ever heard ! And your shoes were cute!

Becca said...

In our second sac. meeting of Sunday, My almost 14-y-o heard the speaker say "hypocrite" and for whatever reason (sleep deprivation, cell-phone withdrawal, boredom) thought she heard "hypnotist" and waggled her hand in front of her face as if she were using one of those old-school watches to lure me into a super-sleep. I admit, I laughed too loud for sac. meeting. OOPS. So, reverent? Maybe not. Amused? Oh, yeah.

Melanie Jacobson said...

I can't believe you picked that topic by yourself. I was feeling sorry for you, like, "What a crappy topic to get."

But then I remembered Grant is not YOUR child, he's MY child, therefore making reverence our not favorite topic at the Jacobson house but fine for most other Aliso Creekers.

Also, Eden is sweet but doesn't listen to reason and won't stay in her seat during Sacrament.

Anyway, now knowing you picked this topic on purpose, I think I officially am standing in awe of you.